Migraines. I am sure everyone has heard the term, even if they are not migraine sufferers. I bet there are many who haven’t been diagnosed, I was only diagnosed 10 years ago while in the throes of the worst headache I have ever had. I literally sat in my car crying because I didn’t know how to drive home. A migraine is something I would not wish on my worst enemy. Ever.

What does a migraine feel like? It is different for everyone. Some people see auras, some do not. Some people get violently ill, others do not. Many people hide it. I can, if I can avoid the worst of it I can continue to function relatively normally. But if you look close, and see my right eye a little droopy, that is my telltale sign. I may smile, but inside I want to die.

For me it starts with an aura. It tends to match the beat of my heart, and is like flashbulbs or fireworks. A flash to the right, and to the left, everywhere. No pain yet, just flashes. I have been woken in the night by these flashes, and I listen for the thunder; only to realize with dread, that it is a migraine. So I rush to my drug cocktail, hoping to curtail the next phase before it hits.

And it does. It starts slow, like a freight train off in the distance and comes roaring to life behind my eyes, while the flashes continue merrily. This is the start of pain, like being crushed by a giant fist I feel pressure building slowly and I feel as though I might burst.

If the drugs haven’t kicked in yet, they won’t and the worst is coming. By now I feel like my brain is being squeezed into my throat and I cannot breathe. But I can, now it is psychological. My common sense is cowering in a small corner of my brain and the rest of me is starting the think the worst. Which triggers the panic attack, and I feel like crying.  But I don’t, I still have to grab my daughter from school and make dinner. If I survive till my husband gets home, I will find comfort in a cold dark room, with an ice pack on my head, praying for the pain to ease enough I can sleep.

When I wake up, I feel better. Like the pain of childbirth, I almost forget how bad it got. Hopefully I will not be reminded of this for at least a month.

My baby girl is a senior!

Today my daughter started Senior Kindergarten. It seems like yesterday she started Junior Kindergarten…suddenly she seems so grown up. So many tears at drop off, as parents dropped their first-born off to JK, I used to be that mom. Now I am excited! New year, new friends to meet, old friends to reconnect with. She is excited too.

I am also a little sad. She doesn’t like to snuggle on my lap anymore. No more middle of the night feedings and snuggles. She is growing so fast, and the things I didn’t relish, I now miss. She used to eat what I fed her. She has her own tastes now, and none of them what I am serving. Even though I don’t like making a separate meal for her now…one day, I will miss doing that.

I am trying to raise her to be kind, compassionate, and friendly. She is shy most of the time, but I love hearing how she opens up when I am not around. She has such fantastic teachers, and she has blossomed so much over the last couple of years. I am trying to teach her about differences. To enjoy the fact we are not all the same. I think she gets it. Time will tell.

I am excited to see what this new year holds for her, and I will relish the quiet times alone we share, when she can open up about the things she loves, or the things that frighten her.

Long time, no see...

It is time to get back into it.  I love to write, why do I have a hard time actually writing?  I don’t know.  I get lots of encouragement to write, and I think it is high time I get back to it. No excuses.

                                                                                    

I sometimes wonder if my reluctance is fear.  Fear of criticism.  Problem is, criticism is required to improve oneself; but it must be delivered with encouragement.  Criticism is funny. If you criticize too much or too often, one can lose faith in oneself.  He loses hope, ambition, and the love of what he enjoys.  At the same time criticism, when dealt with respect and encouragement, can have the opposite effect.  Giving then, someone hope, ambition, and a self-love that is often difficult to achieve alone.

So here I am.  Ripping off the Band-Aid, and opening myself up to criticism.  I am not so naive as to think I am free from judgment, rather the contrary.  Judge me.  Help me to grow and learn.  We can only learn, and better ourselves by making mistakes – good or bad.

I promise to write more.  I also promise I will get better. Stick with me, this will be a fun ride!